Post by ivory on Aug 18, 2010 15:35:14 GMT -6
A heart beats in my chest. I think it is like that with everyone, some even have more then heart, and not all are located in the chest. But does that matter? Does it make me different if my heart is different shaped, in a different location? Does it make me feel different? No, I don’t think it does cause after all, biologically, a heart is but a muscle, designed to make your body work, pump blood or whatever runs in your veins through your shape. But if it’s just a muscle then why can it hurt so bad? I am certain some ancient Philsophs have thought about that, love poems were written about that people declared their heartache…you get the idea. But that is not what I mean, if a heart is just a muscle, can I have the same pain like in overworked arms and legs? Cant it be fixed just like any other ordinary muscle? Of course not one will say cause it is an important muscle, but hey my legs and arms are important too. Cause what good is a good healthy strong heart if I can lay only my back and do nothing but to look up to the stars, spending my time dreaming about how it would be to travel among them, and yet know exactly that will never happen cause I cant even scratch my nose? Well, right now i'm lying on my back, looking up at the stars, thinking idly. I’m listening to the heartbeat of the muscle in my chest. I cant hear it of course but my body gives me the illusion of listening to it, funny what your body can come up with when it feels the need for it. And I am still wondering if its my mind or my body doing it, either way, I feel a lil cold around my feet, but of course it is night otherwise I couldn’t see the stars could I? There is one shining extra bright and clear, it even sparkles a little, just for me, I like to think. And yet again, of course, there were millions of beings thinking the same, but that is something one tends to ignore in situations like these. What situation am I in? Well I’m not quite sure myself, if I find I tell you. But yeah the stars and my heartbeat did it slow just then? I stop in my thoughts and listen intensely; nope there it was, though I really feel cold now. Oh hell, I could move and grab a blanket and cover myself, but then I would have to turn my gaze away from those beautiful stars. Oh, how I wished to walk among them set my foot upon this one over there, or the sparkling one right here. Wait if that’s a sun I’m burned before I’m there…but still that would be worth it. I have to grin at that thought, the first to walk on the sun. Just like when I was a child and believed that some clouds were thick enough to walk on them, hide inside them and use them as quilts. Stupid romantic thoughts of a child. But I am no child anymore I know I cant walk on clouds. But I tell you a secret: Now and again, I still catch myself looking up, when there is big beautiful white, red or golden clouds and would love to lay on them and travel the sky on a cloud like one would travel giant waters on a raft. And I think if I only believe enough in it, then I can float up there. But tonight there are no clouds, just the midnighblue sky sparkling with stars, looking like diamonds strewn across a dark velvet blanket. I grow colder, maybe I should grab a blanket, but no, that would mean moving and I refuse to move. Was there a particular reason for me refusing to move? Ah yes I recall it, moving hurts. My heart beats in my chest but there is something not right with it. And suddenly I know I am most likely not seeing the break of dawn, and that thought lets panic raise in me. But I am already to weak to do much about it, and now I noticed that despite me feeling cold, and the realization of my death nearing in giant’s steps. I don’t feel wet or damp. So whatever got me, must be inside me, or…wait I recall something. A flash of light it was only there for a moment, then it hit me, with a sting of pain as it went straight through my guts. It hit me, I fell back and well since I opened my eyes, I watch the stars and listen to me heartbeat. A heart beats in my chest. Slower and slower, but until it stops I look up to the most beautiful sight I know, the stars up there in the sky. My vision blurs some and I blink but cant clear it anymore, so I close my eyes cause I don’t want to see a blurred vision, I want to lock the clear brightness within me. One moment, two moments…it seems a while, the cold has crept up all over me, and I smile, that was it now. I feel no hate, no sorrow, no anger, nothing really. And then I’m gone.
Tomorrow there will be another dead security guard in the statistics, but what do I care, I saw the stars in such a clear brilliance like never before.
Tomorrow there will be another dead security guard in the statistics, but what do I care, I saw the stars in such a clear brilliance like never before.
